About the Author – Chantelle Austin
Chantelle Austin is the pseudonym for relationship designer and lifestyle expert Rach. She is often seen in the media speaking openly about her swinging relationship and she wrote The Essential Guide for Adventurous Couples. You can read more of her articles on Adult Match Maker.
Well, it was me who was the first to suggest the idea, which shouldn’t be a surprise! I’ll share how I started it but I’ll also give you a few other suggestions because the way I did it isn’t necessarily the most practical nor easiest method to use.
Basically I gave him a threesome with another girl first (and what man is going to say no to that?) so my theory was that he “owed” me one. Can we see the logic? We did that early on in the relationship and it was a few years before we decided to see if we could find a second guy to play with. First time around we found this to be quite challenging and I had performance anxiety (that’s a whole other article) so it didn’t happen then.
It has been an evolution of both our relationship and our level of comfort to get to this point. Some start at the beginning of their relationship, others take years to warm up, and I’m all for getting warm! Hot even… naked?
Getting your partner on board with the idea of swinging is like doing a sales pitch really; your job is to sell them on the idea by painting a picture of all the benefits for them. Telling them how awesome it will be for you to have sex with other people is not going to having them jumping up and saying “right honey, let’s go find some playmates!”
I asked my husband what sold him on the idea of swinging or at least a threesome with another guy involved and he said “Ummm… I figured I owed you one. But I was also aware that potentially I would get to shag other girls too.” SOLD!
So what are the benefits you think you’re partner would go for? Think about the benefits for them as an individual but also for you both as a couple. For us it has only strengthened our relationship by allowing each other to have fun. I actually like seeing him with other people! I get to see how much he’s enjoying the moment, which I don’t get to see when he’s having sex with me. It’s a whole new perspective!
Here are my handy tips and hints for enticing your partner to join the swinging scene:
- Discuss the idea of trying something new; something very benign to start with such as sex in the same room with another couple, or having a threesome for them, just to “spice things up”.
- Start slowly; baby steps! Plant the seed so to speak… by this I mean throwing in the odd comment or question over time, such as “have you ever wondered what it’d be like to have a threesome?” or “I read a book the other day and they were talking about how swinging really enhanced their relationship”… You could just leave it on the coffee table by “accident”, ha ha!
- Reaffirm the depth of feeling you have for them before suggesting some swinging fun. Make sure they feel completely loved and that this idea is in no way about you not loving them as much any more.
- Reiterate that there is no pressure at any time and that you’ll only do what they are comfortable with.
- Give them the “temporary” option… “Let’s try this for a little while and see if we like it, and if not, we can stop”… The biggest thing is making it known they are not locked into anything, and you respecting their decision.
- The key here is affirming your feelings for them, suggesting the idea and to start slow. Make sure you listen to them and their concerns and address each one, keeping in mind the benefits you need to express for them.
If after all that the answer is still a flat out “NO”, think of it as only “no for now…” leave it for a while and try broaching the subject again at a later date. It took my husband a couple of years to be comfortable with having another male in the room (which is a funny thought based on what he does with men now!!)
Sometimes people need time to adjust to the idea but there is hope yet! Make a point to build a strong trust and love between you so that the idea of losing you is the last thing they think is happening. It makes a difference.